Back to counting calories

I can't seem to budge from 117. I have been lazy and not watching what I eat or counting calories. I'll be back to it today. I've even been precisely measuring everything.

Banana with 3/4 TBS crunchy, natural peanut butter- 175
Kashi cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk- 140

More to be updated by the end of the day.

I hurt myself doing pendulum lunges yesterday. I'm not great at lunges but I can manage them if I do them slowly. Unfortunately, when doing them in a class or following some on a video, they do them much faster than I'm comfortable with. Two crunches in my hip yesterday and exercise time was OVER. I'm not sure what I'll be able to do today so I'll update on that.

I hope to get to 113 by NYE. This isn't seeming incredibly possible.

Injury

There are plenty of workouts people can do with injuries but it's a nice excuse to have when you don't want to do something. I could totally use my current injury to help me fail or to find a new way to succeed.

I woke up at 117.2 today. Not great. My poor eating habits come at night with the help of alcohol. I'm ravenous after half a glass of wine! I see why eliminating alcohol from your diet causes you to lose weight! If only concord grapes were still in season, I'd be eating those all day and not even a creme brûlée could tempt me!

Anyway, last night I burned the HELL out of my hand. There was a bit of crying involved and Clint had to go get me some burn spray but it's feeling alright today. After all, I am able to type. With the blisters on my hand, however, it's pretty much impossible to lift weights. This means I get to do my least favorite thing in the world - cardio!!! I bet I will start seeing the pounds melt off with that although the Bob Harper cardio is a bit daunting.  I'll let you know if I can even finish it!

WHAT?

OK, now this is getting a little insane. 117.4 lbs!  Ummm, WHAT?

I never ended up exercising last night :/ but I think my insane workout at the gym today should help make up for that. All this exercising is making me SOOOOO hungry! I want to eat all day long. Never again will I put a workout off or sleep as late as I did yesterday.

I ate too much today.

1/2 smoothie
banana
rice cake
KIND bar
black bean chili with smart ground
clementine
avocado with rice vinegar

I don't even want to add up all the calories. Ugh. So disgusted with myself. How do people have control when it comes to food? I never have and I never will. I'm just glad I mostly have control over my exercise these days.

What the hell should I do to try to get down from 117.4 lbs!?!?!?

Bleh

Still paying for the shame spiral I went through the other day. What is it about eating unhealthy one time that makes it so hard to get back on track. Yesterday I had cookies with milk. And it wasn't just one cookie, it was 2. I guess it's like people addicted to cigarettes. After going cold turkey, any cheating can lead to a really unhealthy shame spiral until you get sick enough of it to go cold turkey again. Today, I was craving sweets and ALMOST went for a piece of the Halloween candy (I don't have much. I really only keep it for the times when my blood sugar is just soooo low that I need something QUICK to pick me up) but instead I went for a delicious mango. Much better choice!

 I weighed 117 today :( :( :( but I did weigh myself after a bowl of cereal so maybe that added SOMETHING.

My biggest disappointment today is that I woke up sooo late. As in, I wasn't out of bed until about noon. I originally woke up at 8:2o but I knew Clint wanted to keep sleeping so I figured one more hour wouldn't hurt. Unfortunately, my hour was about 3 and a half. :/ Although a solid 8 hours of sleep is good, too much is such a waste. By the time I finished cooking and ate, I didn't have time to let my food settle before leaving the house for the night. But I'm not gonna skip my workout today. I'm doing what I HATE to do which is workout around 10:30 :/. I can't let myself make these kinds of mistakes and keeping track of what I'm doing is just helping me learn.

If I'm not too tired, I may be brave enough to start one of the Bob Harper DVDs tonight. If not, it's still gonna be Jillian and I'm gonna move on to Level 2 cos I feel level 1 getting easy.

Jeidi, you'd be proud. For lunch I made black bean chili that had fake meat AND lots of beans so it wasn't too high in calories AND it had crap tons of protein :). I also had it with a glass of skim milk with vanilla protein powder.

Shame

I went into a bit of a shame spiral. Last night's quesadilla/queso/chip/guacamole shame spiral jumped me from 115.2 on the scale to 116.4. It's going to take a lot to lose that. ugh. So not worth it! I'm so bad when I go out to eat. It'll be good to see how long it takes me to get down to 115.2. Maybe that'll teach me not to have such a shameful dining experience.

I've kept up with the exercise, thankfully. I feel Jillian starting to get easier so I need to start the next level. Bob Harper DVDs came in today!!! I'll try them tomorrow since I went and did a KILLER class at the gym today.

Protein

Luckily, Jillian Michael's workout isn't hard to memorize because Clint and I went to the gym yesterday and I did the whole workout from memory. It was nice to be able to do it at the gym because they actually had 5 lb weights so the moves I do with a resistance band at home, I got to do with those and it was much better.  I also did a 10 minute walk/run but my calves hurt too much to keep going. They are feeling much better this morning so I think in a day or two I'll be back at it.

Yesterday, I really tried to add more protein which caused me to eat when I wasn't really very hungry.

• 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with sprinkled habanero cheese, scrambled eggs, half a tomato, baby kale, and 1/8 avocado- 400
• grapefruit- 100
• oikos blueberry yogurt with oatmeal and wheat germ- 200
• banana with peanut butter- 195
• 4 oz skim milk with a  bit of protein powder- 70
• 1/3 glass cabernet-40
• salmon with "chimichurri" sauce (in quotes cos it's not a true chimi) 350
• ginger mashed sweet potatoes-- 200
• 3 large olives- 21

Total: 1576

Today I think I will start tracking my protein intake. I will probably use the LIVESTRONG MyPlate to do so. It's always been good with helping me keep track of what I'm eating and how balanced it is. It really is a great website that i need to go to more. I usually keep this great black bean hummus made at all times but I've skipped out recently so I'll remedy that. I also love Smart Ground and tofu so I'll try to add more of those meat substitutes to my diet.  It really is so hard for me because I don't think about protein very much. But I guess this whole journey is about being more aware of what I put in my body so that'll take some work.

I woke up at 115.4. Meh.

Yesterday was Day 3

I was too tired to update when I got home.

Food:

• Clint and I went to Marche and I had a cauliflower, red pepper, and spinach quiche with grapefruit juice with a spring mix salad with oil and vinegar. 800 calories
• 2 pieces of 100% whole wheat toast with 1/3 less fat cream cheese---> 220
• banana---> 100 
• I went to a wine tasting and had a bit of egg nog while I was there :/. Whatever, it was good. I love wine. And I discovered that Neil Ellis Sauvignon Blanc is awesome although I still prefer a heavily grapefruity NZ Sauvignon Blanc. 350

Total: 1470 calories

I did the Jillian DVD yesterday. It's getting increasingly painful because my calves are just so so sore! I wish I had 5 lb weights cos doing her workout with 8s is pretty damn hard! I'm hoping the Bob Harper DVDs come in the mail today! It'll be nice to try out what he does but I am pretty satisfied with the results I am getting so quickly with Jillian. After all, I woke up this morning at 113.6 lbs. Down 2.2 lbs!  I can actually see it too! My love handles looked slightly smaller and so did my pooch. 

Day 2 and Enablers

Weight this morning 115.8. Wasn't really expecting something different although I can always dream!

I woke up sore as hell. I don't understand. I work out for a solid 45 minutes at the gym doing a body sculpting class and I'm not as sore as after day 2 of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. What sort of magical power does this woman have? I suppose in class we isolate muscle groups and Jillian says that BS. I guess she is right! Also, in my class I only use 5 lb weights and at home I'm using 8 lbs.

You know those days where you just wake up sad and feel like the world will end if someone says even the slightest thing wrong? Today was that day for me so when I took my pouty butt to the gym today all I did was walk. I did the occasional incline. I burned about 200 calories. Even though Jillian burns about 160 for me, I actually feel like I'm being worked. Anyway, all is well with the world again. I made a delicious black bean soup . I skipped the sour cream, reserved some black beans to give it some chunkiness, and added a pinch of habanero cheese, cayenne pepper, and cilantro. Probably the easiest recipe I've ever made. So easy, good, and FAST! Oh, and low calorie! Wahoo!

Anyway, I'm here waiting for this food to digest to do day 3 of Jillian's workout. I'm still waiting for my Bob Harper DVDs!

Here is what I ate today:

• Mix of hemp cereal and bare naked vanilla almond with skim milk--> 290
•  coffee with splash of whole milk (no skim at work!!)--> 20
• small bit of cajun corn, 4 small buttered brussel sprouts, spoonful of mashed potatoes----> 160
• 2 tortilla chips, one dipped in black bean hummus, one in broccoli/cheese fondue---> 60 (let me say if I had ANY idea it would be this many calories I would have skipped this for sure!!!)
• small portion of mixed fruit---> 50
• mango greek yogurt with oatmeal and wheat germ- 200
• cottage cheese with sunflower seeds---> 100
• 2 cage free hard boiled eggs---> 140 (WHY are egg whites so gross btw???)
• fuji apple with peanut butter---> 175
• black bean and salsa soup----> 170
• 1/2 glass of cabernet----> 70 (wine is a weakness)
• 1/3 glass vanilla hemp milk---> 55

Total: 1490

I know I need to get more intense with my workouts. Tomorrow I better wake up feeling like a rockstar. If not, a little Bailey's in my coffee won't hurt, right? ;)

Before I go I want to talk about a support system for weight loss and health. I am so so lucky to ALWAYS be around supportive people when it comes to health. My mom is hot as hell and has a body I envy. My mom works her butt off at everything she does. She's always running around doing something. Since I can remember, she has always had the house spotless, great healthy food on the table, and had her exercises done in the morning. I could go on and on about all her wonderful traits but that's not what this is about.  My parents go to the gym and running together and, recently, they did their first 5K. They support each other and I dig that.  Then there is my sister, the trainer. I remember looking at her arms on her 30th birthday and seeing every single muscle striation in her arms. Seriously, AMAZING. We don't have any sibling rivalry. She makes me programs, helps me with what to eat (I added protein today cos of what you said, Jeidi!), and is always a source of good information. My brother has his ups and downs with fitness and health but overall, he's fine. My boyfriend is ever so supportive. He goes to the gym and impresses me all the time. He is encouraging but not pushy. He never makes me do anything but he also knows what I want and tries to help me any way he can. I love that. My friends have their ups and downs but many have trainers or gym memberships and do their best. It makes me so happy to have positive, healthy people in my life because I know if I didn't my goals would be so much harder to reach.

Clint (the boyfriend) and I watch a lot of weight loss/health shows and documentaries. I get so angry watching these because there are SO MANY enablers. Their "friends" actually encourage them to be unhealthy and give them hell for wanting to better their lives by eating better or quitting drinking/smoking. It's like, they don't have it in them to do the work to be healthy so they want all the people around them to be unhealthy as well. This is not a friend and this is not a person that needs to be kept around. These people are poison. Toxic. If you can't manage to push them out of your life, encourage them to make a change with you. If you surround yourself with enablers and people who encourage bad behavior, you will fall.

UPDATE: I did do Jillian after I finished this post and I KNOW, I KNOW I would not have done it unless I was tracking it. I would have just skipped it and said I was going to work harder tomorrow and not ever do that.

Day 1

I am not incredibly proud of my eating today. My workout wasn't that great either.

I will say that today was incredibly stressful.  All I did as far as working out was Level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. For a person that is 154, they say it burns 180 calories. For me, I'd say it was only about 160.

I ate:

• hemp cereal with skim milk--> 300 calories. 
• 2 prunes- 44 calories
• 2/3 chobani mango yogurt with 1tsp of raw oatmeal and 1/4 tbs of wheat germ--> 128 calories
• white bread with butter---> 200 calories
• 4 oz grapefruit juice---> 50 calories
• 25 pistachios---> 100 calories
• 1 grapefruit--> 100 calories
• a bit of the concord grape raspberry V8 fusion-->  20 calories

Total: 942

I know, I know. The bread. What was I thinking? But I was what you would call hangry. I was to the point where I was pissed off at everything and everyone cos my blood sugar was so low. I had to remedy that and it was the only thing around at work.  I will choose something better next time. Fruit, perhaps? I'd brought a pomegranate but I left it in the car :/. Plus, in a situation like that, it's not fast enough.

Anyway, let's get to the part where that is far too few calories for a day. I eat at least 800 more than that on a normal day. Easily. Which is actually the problem. Today was just a bad, bad day. I do not recommend this for weight loss. Trust me, I've done it before. I want to be thin and toned because it makes me happy and being hungry all the time made me, well, kind of an unhappy bitch. A constant state of "hangry". No good.  Working out on that little food every day is just impossible. I may eat a little bit later but I still haven't shaken the stress. I'll let you know if I do. (Update: The grapefruit above is what I ate when I chilled out a bit. I love love love grapefruit. Two foods I eat almost every day are avocado and grapefruit. Yesterday, my avocados weren't ripe enough so I had to skip out but usually I eat a whole one on a salad or just with a splash of seasoned rice vinegar. Soooo good)

I have done pretty much everything in the world to lose weight. Healthy and unhealthy. 

I've done:

• Atkins- That lasted about 2 days. I have never been a big meat or protein eater.
• Juice fast -3 days. I was always hungry.
• Anorexia- always hungry, depressed. I wasn't great at it, thankfully.
• Bulimia -a huge problem with this is you justify eating so much crap because you know you won't keep it. This is bad if you want to change your food intake and eventually make good choices. Oh, and the million other health problems associated with this.
•  Alli diet pills- These worked for a few months. The best part about it is you are so scared to crap yourself (I did my research before I bought these) that you do not cheat. There was no way I was going to risk that. :) Eventually, however, it stopped working for me. I have also heard they aren't really great for you. I don't know if this is true and I don't feel like researching this because I no longer take them.
• Vegan- although this wasn't so much for the weight loss. It did help me lose a lot.
• Soft food- this I did for 3 months after I had to get TMJ surgery, not as a choice. I know a lot of weight loss blogs say to chew gum but I don't recommend it. It was a huge factor in me having to get a very painful surgery. I didn't even chew gum for weight loss but just because I loved it. Anyway, the surgery sucks and having to eat soft foods for 3 months got old.
• A million other things that I don't even remember.

Currently, I am a pescetarian. I eat fish even though it's very rare. I'd say I eat vegetarian about 6 days of the week, often 7. I do not buy bad food for the house. I have nothing "bad" at the house. I have lots of fresh vegetables and fruit,  whole grains, cage free eggs, light cheese. At home, if I'm hungry, I just get a snack that I have.  If I had bad things, I'd eat them. Instead, I have to choose fruit, or vegetables, or yogurt instead. At work, it's another story. There are just so many sweet foods and sweets are my weakness. This is my biggest obstacle and I am trying hard to not be tempted by all the sweets. 

I also don't push myself. I cannot work out by myself. Not hard, anyway.  I need a trainer, a class, a partner, etc. I just don't have it in me yet to motivate myself. At least I make myself go to a workout class at least 6 days a week. I'll get there, eventually. I have made myself start running. I didn't do it today because it started raining when I was going to go and I didn't have the time to go to the gym and do the treadmill before work.  Tomorrow is supposed to be nice so I am hoping to do so. 

I'm bored of writing. I'll update tomorrow.

Intro

This is my new blog holding myself responsible for my body. I'm not fat. I know that. I'm quite thin, actually. At 5'6.5 and 115.4 lbs, this BMI calculator says I'm just slightly underweight.  However, I'm one of the oh-so-lucky people who accumulates fat in her belly and face and I've never been able to get rid of it. This is what I want gone. I know it's possible so this is me making myself do it.

I will be tracking every calorie that goes through my body and every calorie that I burn. I want results. I want to maintain them. I want to look like this: 

 There is no one to blame but me for not having the body that I want. I will write more tonight. I have plenty  more to say but I must leave now.